Tenacious E

I am sincerely considering quitting my job.

This isn't a habit and is in fact quite new. I have never quit a job before. Being raised on a farm I was taught from a young age to take responsibility and work through any situation, no matter how hard. Tenacity is what you call it I suppose. Well, looking back while it has served me well, giving me opportunities I never could have had without it (serving in the state legislature as a secretary at 18, managing hotels at 19, being a marketing manager for a non profit at 20 and 21 etc) it also dealt me a fair bit of heartache. 

I could probably blame parts of the downward spiral  I am just now beginning to climb my way out of on that little force of habit we call tenacity. In the last year I have really had to teach myself that being the best, the brightest and the most successful isn't necessary in every aspect of my life. I'm a perfectionist, but that perfection was really starting to just bring me down

                                                                                    down

                                                                                                   down.

So I have been learning to let the B+'s slide (yes, I do indeed have hysterical panic attacks about B+'s.), to leave my house in a general state of disarray if it means spending a little more time cuddling my dog and my Fella, to work a little less at work and concentrate a lot more on what really makes me happy. 

And you know what I found out? Spending a night out with my friends drinking a cold beer and singing bad karaoke instead of burning the midnight oil studying really makes that B+ okay. 

I look back on the days I've spent playing with Roz and watching old science fiction movies with my Fella and seem to have forgotten the days the dishes weren't done.

And while, I may not make the best bulletin boards in the history of being an RA or be the peppiest at staff meetings about opening BBQ's and Family and Friends weekend, I have found myself happier than ever doing the things I truly love.

Thereby, I'm considering quitting my job. It was never the job I wanted, but one I simply needed. It gave me free housing and a free meal plan; things I couldn't have afforded without it. It also enabled me to work just down the hall from where I live (i.e. no gas used in my Environmentally Violent Truck!). And I thought for a brief time, I might get accepted into that inner UNC sanctum of HRE staff.

Well, I was wrong. During training I saw all the holes in their theories of their "Culture of Care". I found myself wondering how in the world they got any students to live on campus at all. And most of all, I realized my campus really didn't care about me as a person as much as HRE tried to propose it, it was untrue and unrealistic. They merely cared that every student kept in line and didn't give the school a bad name. 

I told myself to power through, I would thank myself later surely. Well, it's later, and I'm not.

It began in training with my boss calling me in on days she promised I would have off. Not a huge deal except I was managing the barn my horse is at and I had barn work I had to do those days. Then during the semester when she would spring tasks on us without any warning. 

The kicker came when I was just starting to trick myself to believe that I was actually becoming friends with my coworkers and they did care for my well being, I was reported to Health and Safety for being Suicidal, Severely depressed and a Self Harmer. While there are some truth to the accusations, I immediately knew who it was that had outed me (a staff member whose information was based on hearsay). And I felt betrayed. 

I understand her reasoning for doing so, but it threatened my job in a pretty serious way, and truly damaged my reputation. Furthermore, I don't know if you know this, but the worst way to get a depressed, suicidal, self harmer, help is to report them. For those of us whose brains work just a bit differently our gut reaction is to dive as deep into those habits of depression as we possibly can.

So, I had a bit of a regression in my recovery. This I will not deny. 

Yet, I was finding myself back on the right path when I found out that my boss had been talking about this extremely personal information in front of the desk staff to another member of the HRE department. I really think I had it there. Not only had they shown absolutely no interest in my actual well being, but they didn't think it personal enough to keep to themselves. 

Today I received a scathing email from my boss about how disappointed she is in me as a staff member. Why? Because I reported something she had seriously screwed up on, and had in turn, seriously screwed me over. Due to her screw up, I am now $1000 in debt to the university and until I pay them back I cannot register for classes. As a Junior. And a double major. In impacted majors.

So, for this, I want to quit my job. There are of course other reasons, from the irrationality of my boss to constantly being yelled at and threatened, etc, etc, etc. And it has me seriously doubting myself and my desires. Do I feel this way merely because I am victimizing myself? Is it true? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Will I be able to survive without a housing stipend? 

But the worst question, that I can't seem to avoid is "Is this adding to your depression and reducing your success at finding your way back to happiness?"

For this question I know the answer is yes. How I wish I had just an ounce more of tenacity and maybe I could be better than this. Better than the depression, the work failures and the fear of man.