A Boulder and a Diamond.

I'm having a bit of a down day. I got some news about my Biological Dad (called B.D. from now on) that just stressed me out to the max. It bled into today pretty well. Combine that with my money stress and I just kinda want to crawl into a hole. At the same time I've had a really relaxing winter break thus far (thus no posting) so I'm also in a good mood. I have a lot I want to accomplish in the coming months, but with no way to go about it, I'm left between a Boulder and Diamond. (rock and a hard place. Get it?) 

Dealing with my depression in the past year has been a really good thing, obviously. But it has also opened my eyes to a lot of poor decisions I made in the past few years. I'm now forced to deal with the consequences of those actions, while also trying to improve myself. 

For example, I spent A LOT of money when I was in my downward spiral. I maxed out three credit cards while not working. I really didn't care at the time. I figured I would find a way out, like I always do (sometimes I have far too much faith in myself) so I might as well have a good time while I could. Well, all the booze, video games, clothes, etc didn't make me happy. Not even a little bit. Now, when I need to pay for things like food, gas and rent between paychecks (which are extremely meager. Think less than $150 meager) I have no way to do that. 

Combine that with the fact that I would love to really make my house a home, dress in a way that makes me feel confident and professional (opposed to my normal grunge style of ripped jeans and band shirts), and be able to make food that is healthy; I have no method of doing so. I'm surviving on one meal a day, normally a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I only drive when I have to go to the barn to ride the colts I have in training (just so I can keep Percy here with me). 

I'm making my life work, and I'm grateful for it, but I find myself ridden by guilt for the actions that put me in the very difficult position I am in now.

I know that Christmas is about Christ, and I am so thankful for how he has helped me improve my life, but I would really love to have a traditional Christmas with lots of good food, family and small heartfelt gifts. That isn't happening this year and I can't help but blame myself.