Let Us Love

Here I was, happily scrolling through twitter looking for news of interest. I.E. All things Israel and find news of another shooting. What in the sam hell world? I saw this on facebook the other day and think it is necessary to share (or just to ramble on about) 

I can't help but absolutely 100% agree. Growing up in Montana we all had guns, all the time and we never shot anyone. We never even thought of it. We shot tin cans and hunted in the fall. Even though I am a Republican (my own sort of Republican) and I am against Gun Control for me it isn't about rights or all the Republican mantra's that you hear. Yes, guns are a method for mass killings, but so are a million other things. If we as a nation want to "fix" this problem of shootings we need to get to the root of the problem, which is when someone who is so upset, deranged, psychotic, etc uses something as a weapon to wreak havoc on other peoples lives. It's not about the weapon you guys! It's about the person! 

Perhaps if we paid more attention to individual people instead of some inanimate object there would be less shootings. Perhaps not. I'm not the judge. I can't help but think of something I saw last summer about a boy who shot his mom and sister because he felt like he was invisible and they didn't listen to him. I heard the 911 call and the boy slowly realized what he had done, that the method he took to solve the problem had extreme consequences that he could never change. He legitimately didn't realize what had happened until hours after the fact.

After I sat there crying for a little bit I thought about the things that people do that make me angry. I realized it was all so inconsequential after the fact. But in that moment I was angry, I was upset. Yes, in the past I haven't valued my life, not even a bit, but now, now I do. 

It's a long and hard lesson to learn. But friends, let's just love each other a little more. Let's use love and compassion to show each other how much we value our lives and the lives of others. Let's help each other. Let's treat the cause, not the symptom. Let's recognize mental illness and despair.

Let's love. 

By My Side

Sometimes I lay awake at night dreaming about the future, specifically my future with fella. There is usually a couple towheaded kids involved,  road trips home to Montana, songs and lots of love.  To be honest it really does scare me , knowing I can have such strong feelings for a man and thinking we are capable of bringing a life into this world. But some nights,  like tonight, I get excited for all we have the chance to attain and I can't imagine having anyone by my side than him.

I'll Just Keep Dancing

Let's blame it on me drinking coffee today for the first time since Finals or the gorgeous day outside, but I'm in a positively glowing mood. When I wake up in one of these moods it's hard for me to imagine life being anything other than perfect. 

Carl stayed out all night with friends, I didn't care! I woke up when my alarm went off, still tired, but I didn't care! My planned outfit is a bit too warm for such a nice day and I have a stain on the sleeve, I didn't care! In a couple hours I have a three hour class and then a staff meeting, I don't care! 

Cares are a funny thing. Some days I am overrun by them. They are all I can notice, the dishes not done, the carpet not vacuumed. The insane amount of reading I have assigned, the ridiculous debt I have accumulated.  

And then some days like today I just don't notice anything. It is a day when I am so overwhelmingly happy to be alive that I jam to Airborne in my office, dancing for all my residents to see. I'd love to know the secret of them so that I can make these days happen more often, but until then I'll just keep dancing. 

Do I really have any other option? If Shopenhauer heard me saying this he would smite me for my poor style and even worse philosophy but today I just don't care.

A Book A Day

I recently came across something totally awesome on Pinterest and that is the:

Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge

Being a Political Science major I typically find myself surrounded in books 24/7 and rarely have the time or energy to read anything other than the philosophy of an ancient and quite dead Roman poets. I'm hoping maybe with this challenge I can find a way to find that balance between reading for fun and school.

But let's face it, I absolutely love reading all my philosophy books. It's kinda silly actually.

Anyways, I'm challenging myself to read at least one book a month off this list. That's doable considering I used to read a book a day in high school! I have read some of these books but I think I'll just start over. I think I'll just start right at the top with 1984 and just see where it takes me!

Readers, how do you get yourself out of a rut in your hobbies?

A Favorite Sort

Phewwww. What a first week of class it has been. Here are my random thoughts and summaries of the week, because that is pretty much all my tiny little brain can take right now. 

• I seriously love my Political Philosophy professor. If I do go down the PhD route, it will all be inspired by him. He's an amazing guy and I'm thinking about asking him if I could be his TA.
• Lawyers scare me to death. And my Constitutional Law professor, who just so happens to be a lawyer is no exception. Every time I am in his class I feel like I am Bates on Trial except with heckling fellow Poli Sci majors as my jury. (Downton Abbey anyone? anyone?)
• Kickboxing tonight was amazing. It hurt like hell, and I wanted to quit so, so badly, but the accomplishment I felt when I was done made it so worth it. That's what exercise should do right?
• Textbook buying/selling is literally highway robbery and it puts me in such a terrible mood.
• I'm lucky to have an amazing friend like Emilie to go to kickboxing with me, complain about HRE with and of course to let me have her old textbooks. Thanks Em you rock! (Also. Check out her blog at whatahappybitch.blogspot.com you'll love it I promise!)
• Last but not least, the busier I get, the more thankful I am for Percy, Roz and Fella. I couldn't possibly have three better guys in my life. And if you think I'm talking about three human men, you need to read more of my blog!)

It's been a busy week, but a good one. And those are my favorite sort of weeks.

This Year I Resolve To....

As goes the world I have never been able to keep a New Years Resolution, so I think I stopped doing them in o...2005? Back then it was all "Be the Change you want to see in the world!" "Get Ghost to the Olympics" Not exactly plausible. This year for the first time I made some resolutions and have been keeping up on them the best I can. I tried to not concentrate on things that are criticizing myself, but are instead giving me positive ways to live a life I know will make me happier.

So without any further ado, welcome to my 2013 Resolutions

Emotional

• Write everyday for five minutes a day (at least) increasing by five minutes every month. If I go over time, that is fine, but don't force myself to write more than the allotted time. 3 days of prose, 2 days of poetry and 2 days of blogging. 

Physical

• Workout! Buy a Fit Pass ($40 for the entire semester, any classes I want to go to). Go to Yoga, Kickboxing and Aquafit. At least 3 classes per week. 
• Riding 3+ times a week, keep using my clients horses as experience and ways to help Percy learn and branch out more. Plan on a dressage test in the fall (even if it's Carl judging me!)

Work

• Be more positive about your job, look at it as an opportunity to network and always be thinking about those Grad School Recommendation Letters I need! 
• Plan one program a month for my residents. 
• Plan Bulletin Boards a week in advance.

Spiritual

• Continue going to Counseling. Have an open mind to the benefits even if I don't see them happening d immedietely.
• Be open to where God is leading my heart this year.

Overall

• WORK LIFE BALANCE. JUST DO IT. This one is honestly the hardest for me. I'm not good at it and I don't know how to be. Talk with Deanne about it and finds ways to be successful in both without so much emphasis on one or the other.

There ya have it folks. I'm excited to see what new changes 2013 brings on. Next up (sometime today since it is one of my blogging days) I'll be posting about Counseling, 2012 in Review and other goodies!

The Truth Will Set You Free

I may be a writer but the hardest thing for me has always been starting out. I firmly believe that the first few lines set the tone for an entire work, be it a short story, novel or scholarly paper. That said, I procrastinate writing a lot, even when it is something I want to write about. Like this blog post. You see I went to my first counseling session the other day since I was in forced therapy as a kid. 

Yep, you got me, forced. To this day I'm not really sure why it was so important that I went as often as I had to. It may have been because of my B.D., or for my ADHD and Anxiety, I'm not sure. I just remember dreading those visits when I had to go into that cold office with the fat Navy Shrink who always called me a Peach and sitting on his fake leather couch. I was always asked how I felt and I never knew what to say. I was a five year old who wished there was more sunlight in the day so I didn't have to come in when the streetlight came on. 

Anyways, I was in weekly therapy until I was ten years old and I hated every minute of it. I've known for awhile I should attend therapy of some sort if not just to hear someone with an education tell me to relax. I plan most of my encounters with people ahead of time. Yes, I lay in bed at night and think of conversation topics and how to answer questions. I can't help it, I've done it since I was a kid. If truth were to be told, I honestly think I am partly OCD. So in preparation for my counseling session I laid awake most of the night trying to decide where it all started. When my alcoholism got worse? When Jeremy died? When my best friend lashed out at me? When my mom got remarried? When my parents divorced? When B.D. was abusive? I honestly couldn't decide where to start. But this session was very important to me and I wanted to make the most of it. 

You see, I finally got Fella to agree to come with me, not just for my sake, or our relationships sake but his as well. I just had to make sure we got as much out of this session as we could. I won't delve into details, but we both come from similar pasts, similar struggles and similar presents.

We started out the session with prayer and I was glad for it. This immedietely showed me how much I have grown and healed over the past year. I used to be so adverse to prayer in instances like this. After being bullied into prayer all my life I wanted it to be private and unfortunately sporadic at best.

Our wonderful counselor Cyndi asked me right off the bat what keeps me up at night. I guess she knew that I'm an insomnia who has anxiety attacks at night. Or maybe it was a lucky guess. I began slowly devolving how I struggle to feel like I do enough every day or ever. I was admittedly a little annoyed when she related this back to God with the question of "How do you think God feels about this?" But, when she prodded a little bit more about my answer and I honestly said "I feel like He is disappointed because he has a plan for my life and I'm not getting there soon enough", I realized it is truly how I feel.

And let me tell you dear readers, the truth will set you free.

From there we chatted a little more and it was truly enlightening. I may not have been completely honest, only because I didn't know the truth myself, but as the session went on the truth was revealed to me. We finished by her asking me for three words that describe my childhood. The words I used were rough, forgotten and abusive. They were hard to admit, even though I freely talk about my childhood. I suppose when it is described with one word versus a lofty paragraph or two that ends with me where I am now it is much more apparent.

The session ended with Carl talking with her as well as a great devotional exercise I will share later this week. She referred me to a Christian Counselor outside of the church. Even better the church pays for the first six sessions. I honestly feel like I will need more than six, but hopefully by then I'll be in a good financial state and able to pay for more.

All in all it was such a better experience. No fat Navy doctors, no cold offices, no fake leather couches. Just a smiling (and at times crying) woman, a warm room that was brightly lit and a super comfy love seat.

O and of course Fella's and my feels all over the place as Cyndi
described things. But that is for another post as well :)