A Boulder and a Diamond.

I'm having a bit of a down day. I got some news about my Biological Dad (called B.D. from now on) that just stressed me out to the max. It bled into today pretty well. Combine that with my money stress and I just kinda want to crawl into a hole. At the same time I've had a really relaxing winter break thus far (thus no posting) so I'm also in a good mood. I have a lot I want to accomplish in the coming months, but with no way to go about it, I'm left between a Boulder and Diamond. (rock and a hard place. Get it?) 

Dealing with my depression in the past year has been a really good thing, obviously. But it has also opened my eyes to a lot of poor decisions I made in the past few years. I'm now forced to deal with the consequences of those actions, while also trying to improve myself. 

For example, I spent A LOT of money when I was in my downward spiral. I maxed out three credit cards while not working. I really didn't care at the time. I figured I would find a way out, like I always do (sometimes I have far too much faith in myself) so I might as well have a good time while I could. Well, all the booze, video games, clothes, etc didn't make me happy. Not even a little bit. Now, when I need to pay for things like food, gas and rent between paychecks (which are extremely meager. Think less than $150 meager) I have no way to do that. 

Combine that with the fact that I would love to really make my house a home, dress in a way that makes me feel confident and professional (opposed to my normal grunge style of ripped jeans and band shirts), and be able to make food that is healthy; I have no method of doing so. I'm surviving on one meal a day, normally a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I only drive when I have to go to the barn to ride the colts I have in training (just so I can keep Percy here with me). 

I'm making my life work, and I'm grateful for it, but I find myself ridden by guilt for the actions that put me in the very difficult position I am in now.

I know that Christmas is about Christ, and I am so thankful for how he has helped me improve my life, but I would really love to have a traditional Christmas with lots of good food, family and small heartfelt gifts. That isn't happening this year and I can't help but blame myself. 

What Does PhD Even Stand For?

Hello Dear Friends!

I apologize for my absence. I've had a bit of a rough time these past few weeks. Finals are right around the bend, and as excited as I am for winter break, I still struggle with the fact that every semester I finish is another semester closer to being done with school in general. The problem is, I LOVE school. 

I love learning from professors who have such an extensive knowledge of the subjects they teach and are so passionate about them. I love how each semester I find out another tidbit that reminds me why I am in my majors. I find myself growing more and more passionate about them. I absolutely love to learn and dissect the works of great Philosophers. It's given me an entirely new understanding of the concept of "putting yourself in their shoes.

The problem with all of this, is that my thirst for knowledge and hunger for learning is leading me down a path I never, ever, ever, expected to take. And that is Grad School. 

I have been tinkering with the idea for the past year and a half or so, but never really thought it would amount to much. But, I am firmly convinced that the Masters Degree is the new Bachelors Degree. College degrees are so much more common than they once were. And in this day and age common is not the right recipe for a great job in the field I love. A field which is rather small anyways. So I had been thinking about it, but the other night finally began the search.

I had planned on going back to Montana for grad school, but I found that MSU doesn't have the program I had in mind. Neither does my current school....Or schools in Denver. Or Fort Collins...The only one I found was in Boulder. So I began searching even further. I still have residency in California so I began looking there  and that was REALLY outside the box of anything I had ever imagined.

Berkeley? Stanford? UCLA? Sheesh. All of them have the programs I want, but there is one small, tiny, little, miniscule problem.

They are all only PhD programs. o.0

That is definitely not a route I ever expected to take. I don't think that I'm cut out for it, I wasn't even sure I was cut out for Undergrad! However, I find myself really considering this route. I would enjoy teaching at the college level, and a PhD is nothing to turn your nose up at. But it scares me. It's a huge commitment and will take every ounce of strength I have to complete. 

So, I present to you my list of possible grad schools ranked in no particular order. But maybe a little bit what I think I could actually, maybe, possibly, achieve. 

• San Diego State University (SDSU)
• Colorado University-Boulder
• University of California-La Jolla
• Berkeley
• Stanford

O, and for what it is worth. My current studies have me as a double major in Journalism (Concentrating in Public Relations and Advertising) and Political Science. My goal in grad school, whether that ends up being a Masters or a PhD is Political Theory and Comparative Politics. If anyone has ideas, please let me know!