A Boulder and a Diamond.

I'm having a bit of a down day. I got some news about my Biological Dad (called B.D. from now on) that just stressed me out to the max. It bled into today pretty well. Combine that with my money stress and I just kinda want to crawl into a hole. At the same time I've had a really relaxing winter break thus far (thus no posting) so I'm also in a good mood. I have a lot I want to accomplish in the coming months, but with no way to go about it, I'm left between a Boulder and Diamond. (rock and a hard place. Get it?) 

Dealing with my depression in the past year has been a really good thing, obviously. But it has also opened my eyes to a lot of poor decisions I made in the past few years. I'm now forced to deal with the consequences of those actions, while also trying to improve myself. 

For example, I spent A LOT of money when I was in my downward spiral. I maxed out three credit cards while not working. I really didn't care at the time. I figured I would find a way out, like I always do (sometimes I have far too much faith in myself) so I might as well have a good time while I could. Well, all the booze, video games, clothes, etc didn't make me happy. Not even a little bit. Now, when I need to pay for things like food, gas and rent between paychecks (which are extremely meager. Think less than $150 meager) I have no way to do that. 

Combine that with the fact that I would love to really make my house a home, dress in a way that makes me feel confident and professional (opposed to my normal grunge style of ripped jeans and band shirts), and be able to make food that is healthy; I have no method of doing so. I'm surviving on one meal a day, normally a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I only drive when I have to go to the barn to ride the colts I have in training (just so I can keep Percy here with me). 

I'm making my life work, and I'm grateful for it, but I find myself ridden by guilt for the actions that put me in the very difficult position I am in now.

I know that Christmas is about Christ, and I am so thankful for how he has helped me improve my life, but I would really love to have a traditional Christmas with lots of good food, family and small heartfelt gifts. That isn't happening this year and I can't help but blame myself. 

What Does PhD Even Stand For?

Hello Dear Friends!

I apologize for my absence. I've had a bit of a rough time these past few weeks. Finals are right around the bend, and as excited as I am for winter break, I still struggle with the fact that every semester I finish is another semester closer to being done with school in general. The problem is, I LOVE school. 

I love learning from professors who have such an extensive knowledge of the subjects they teach and are so passionate about them. I love how each semester I find out another tidbit that reminds me why I am in my majors. I find myself growing more and more passionate about them. I absolutely love to learn and dissect the works of great Philosophers. It's given me an entirely new understanding of the concept of "putting yourself in their shoes.

The problem with all of this, is that my thirst for knowledge and hunger for learning is leading me down a path I never, ever, ever, expected to take. And that is Grad School. 

I have been tinkering with the idea for the past year and a half or so, but never really thought it would amount to much. But, I am firmly convinced that the Masters Degree is the new Bachelors Degree. College degrees are so much more common than they once were. And in this day and age common is not the right recipe for a great job in the field I love. A field which is rather small anyways. So I had been thinking about it, but the other night finally began the search.

I had planned on going back to Montana for grad school, but I found that MSU doesn't have the program I had in mind. Neither does my current school....Or schools in Denver. Or Fort Collins...The only one I found was in Boulder. So I began searching even further. I still have residency in California so I began looking there  and that was REALLY outside the box of anything I had ever imagined.

Berkeley? Stanford? UCLA? Sheesh. All of them have the programs I want, but there is one small, tiny, little, miniscule problem.

They are all only PhD programs. o.0

That is definitely not a route I ever expected to take. I don't think that I'm cut out for it, I wasn't even sure I was cut out for Undergrad! However, I find myself really considering this route. I would enjoy teaching at the college level, and a PhD is nothing to turn your nose up at. But it scares me. It's a huge commitment and will take every ounce of strength I have to complete. 

So, I present to you my list of possible grad schools ranked in no particular order. But maybe a little bit what I think I could actually, maybe, possibly, achieve. 

• San Diego State University (SDSU)
• Colorado University-Boulder
• University of California-La Jolla
• Berkeley
• Stanford

O, and for what it is worth. My current studies have me as a double major in Journalism (Concentrating in Public Relations and Advertising) and Political Science. My goal in grad school, whether that ends up being a Masters or a PhD is Political Theory and Comparative Politics. If anyone has ideas, please let me know!

Tenacious E

I am sincerely considering quitting my job.

This isn't a habit and is in fact quite new. I have never quit a job before. Being raised on a farm I was taught from a young age to take responsibility and work through any situation, no matter how hard. Tenacity is what you call it I suppose. Well, looking back while it has served me well, giving me opportunities I never could have had without it (serving in the state legislature as a secretary at 18, managing hotels at 19, being a marketing manager for a non profit at 20 and 21 etc) it also dealt me a fair bit of heartache. 

I could probably blame parts of the downward spiral  I am just now beginning to climb my way out of on that little force of habit we call tenacity. In the last year I have really had to teach myself that being the best, the brightest and the most successful isn't necessary in every aspect of my life. I'm a perfectionist, but that perfection was really starting to just bring me down

                                                                                    down

                                                                                                   down.

So I have been learning to let the B+'s slide (yes, I do indeed have hysterical panic attacks about B+'s.), to leave my house in a general state of disarray if it means spending a little more time cuddling my dog and my Fella, to work a little less at work and concentrate a lot more on what really makes me happy. 

And you know what I found out? Spending a night out with my friends drinking a cold beer and singing bad karaoke instead of burning the midnight oil studying really makes that B+ okay. 

I look back on the days I've spent playing with Roz and watching old science fiction movies with my Fella and seem to have forgotten the days the dishes weren't done.

And while, I may not make the best bulletin boards in the history of being an RA or be the peppiest at staff meetings about opening BBQ's and Family and Friends weekend, I have found myself happier than ever doing the things I truly love.

Thereby, I'm considering quitting my job. It was never the job I wanted, but one I simply needed. It gave me free housing and a free meal plan; things I couldn't have afforded without it. It also enabled me to work just down the hall from where I live (i.e. no gas used in my Environmentally Violent Truck!). And I thought for a brief time, I might get accepted into that inner UNC sanctum of HRE staff.

Well, I was wrong. During training I saw all the holes in their theories of their "Culture of Care". I found myself wondering how in the world they got any students to live on campus at all. And most of all, I realized my campus really didn't care about me as a person as much as HRE tried to propose it, it was untrue and unrealistic. They merely cared that every student kept in line and didn't give the school a bad name. 

I told myself to power through, I would thank myself later surely. Well, it's later, and I'm not.

It began in training with my boss calling me in on days she promised I would have off. Not a huge deal except I was managing the barn my horse is at and I had barn work I had to do those days. Then during the semester when she would spring tasks on us without any warning. 

The kicker came when I was just starting to trick myself to believe that I was actually becoming friends with my coworkers and they did care for my well being, I was reported to Health and Safety for being Suicidal, Severely depressed and a Self Harmer. While there are some truth to the accusations, I immediately knew who it was that had outed me (a staff member whose information was based on hearsay). And I felt betrayed. 

I understand her reasoning for doing so, but it threatened my job in a pretty serious way, and truly damaged my reputation. Furthermore, I don't know if you know this, but the worst way to get a depressed, suicidal, self harmer, help is to report them. For those of us whose brains work just a bit differently our gut reaction is to dive as deep into those habits of depression as we possibly can.

So, I had a bit of a regression in my recovery. This I will not deny. 

Yet, I was finding myself back on the right path when I found out that my boss had been talking about this extremely personal information in front of the desk staff to another member of the HRE department. I really think I had it there. Not only had they shown absolutely no interest in my actual well being, but they didn't think it personal enough to keep to themselves. 

Today I received a scathing email from my boss about how disappointed she is in me as a staff member. Why? Because I reported something she had seriously screwed up on, and had in turn, seriously screwed me over. Due to her screw up, I am now $1000 in debt to the university and until I pay them back I cannot register for classes. As a Junior. And a double major. In impacted majors.

So, for this, I want to quit my job. There are of course other reasons, from the irrationality of my boss to constantly being yelled at and threatened, etc, etc, etc. And it has me seriously doubting myself and my desires. Do I feel this way merely because I am victimizing myself? Is it true? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Will I be able to survive without a housing stipend? 

But the worst question, that I can't seem to avoid is "Is this adding to your depression and reducing your success at finding your way back to happiness?"

For this question I know the answer is yes. How I wish I had just an ounce more of tenacity and maybe I could be better than this. Better than the depression, the work failures and the fear of man.

Must-Have: The Pencil Skirt Edition

Just a quick little note:

Today as I was running between work, class and meetings with professors I realized something I had never thought of before.

My must-have item in my closet that I couldn't live without in any sort of professional (or fun!) manner is a well fitting black pencil skirt. I have half a dozen pencil skirts. Plaid, grey, herringbone, but my favorite favorite and definitely most worn is my black one. 

I love how I can pair it with so many different tops and styles and I immediately feel like I have my little world together and I'm read to take on the world of everyone else! Something else I love about it is how it can really dress up a simple summer top and make it look wintery and classy. I have one that is a red and white plaid with a lace back and it looks so elegant with it!

I've also been known to dress it down a bit with flats and a cardigan on those comfy sorts of days or dress it up even further with some stiletto's and a fun top for nights out with my fella. In those cases the particular one that I have is great because the material is quite happy to shorten up and become a mini-skirt. Though with my legs, most skirts are happier as mini skirts! 

 Anyways, here is what I wore today.

(sorry for the terrible quality, my mirror hasn't been dusted in far too long!)

Red and white striped button up, black pencil skirt (from Maurices! love it!) and my trusty pair of black heels. More on those heels another day. They've been around for over five years! 

How Far the East is From the West

I was raised in a Christian home, and by Christian I mean...Church every Sunday, prayers at meals, worship music blaring in the house. Heck, when I was in high school I was part of four youth groups at one time. 

Yep, you heard me, four! Christianity is one aspect of myself I have never doubted, if I was anything at all, I was a Christian. Yet, life gets hard. It really does. I'm struggling to find a way to say this that doesn't make me sound like just "anyone" else. I guess there really isn't any way to say it but what it is. 

I got pretty disenchanted with God. And I think I had pretty good reasons for it. But that's neither here nor there. A year ago I began dating a wonderful man, truly wonderful. He like me had had a lot of heartache thrown my way, but he had something I didn't have. 

He was still enchanted with God, in a way I don't think I ever had been. Well, now I know I never was enchanted the way he was. I had memorized hundreds of verses, attended countless conferences and read all the books out there, but it was something I did because I knew it was the right thing, and honestly, I didn't really want to  do the right thing. 

It's not that I wanted to do the wrong thing, it's just that I was tired of forcing myself to do the right thing. Couldn't something just come easy for once?

We're still dating that wonderful man and me. And I'm taking a course in Political Philosophy this year. A lot of it has been really interesting (no really!) but Augustine's Political Writings has really hit me in the gut. It has made me question a lot of what I really believe. It's not that I don't think it's true, but that it's hard for me to square it enough in my mind to argue it well. Too much Socrates will do that to you.

Over a week ago my Fella and I went to a conference down in Denver. My parents had tried to come down, but were snowed in. We went in their place and had an amazing time. It was the first time I had been excited to go to church in well, longer than I can remember. And God really didn't let me down.

Without getting into too much "Christianese" I was healed of a lot of the bitterness I held toward the church in my heart. And suddenly I found myself completely enchanted with Christ! Maybe even for the first time in my life. I've been reading my Bible, listening to worship music and talking to God. A lot.

It all sounds wonderful, but I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I go to my Political Philosophy class and I find myself at odds with Augustine and what I feel God has been telling me. It's not that I think anyone is wrong, I just still can't quite square it.

A few weeks ago I read "The Unlikely Disciple" for another class and it discussed a professor who was well known in the Evolutionary Science world for his findings. Yet, this was a man who in his personal walk with God was a Creationist through and through! I hesitate to call him a hypocrite, but I don't understand how to have two such opposing views.

Now, I find myself as a Political Philosopher in much the same position as him. The Bible tells us that God is just. The world tells us that a God who lets bad things happen to good people isn't just. What is justice? Really, in your heart of hearts what do you think justice is? These are the questions that plague all of my waking moments. 

The verse that has really helped me through this process of faith is Romans 14:1 "Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable manners." At the end of the day I know  that God is real and that I have faith in him for a reason. This faith I speak of is a wide and deep faith. I shouldn't waste my time on figuring out the truth to all of these disputable manners. There's more to it than that. He means more than a philosophical argument. 

He really does.

Hello Old Friend!

Believe it or not, I'm a longtime blogger and old friend of the Blogger/Blogspot Blogosphere. When I first started blogging, goodness, over 6 years ago I started out on Blogger. I ended up on Tumblr and though I have found a lot of wonderful friends and have done a great amount of writing I felt myself pulled back to the Blogger Universe as of late. As I get older, I find myself wanting to keep hold on things of the past and use them in new and adult ways. Or maybe it's just that I wanted a change and this seemed like a good one. I'm good at justifying things to myself. 

Anyways, I have lately found myself inspired to keep more accurate accounts of how I'm feeling, what I'm inspired by, what I enjoy and other aspects of my life. I was never the journaling type, maybe that's why I went to the "Fun" world of Tumblr. But now, I want to chronicle these days. These days which are terrifying and new. Maybe I'll look back and think "Meh, that was simply life." But I find myself more excited about the steps I make to find myself and the things that I find on this journey. 

So here I am. First posts are always the hardest, so I will leave it be. But I promise friends, I will be back.