NaNoWriMo Countdown

NaNoWriMo starts on Friday guys! That means I am a mere 4 days away from starting a novel. I am absolutely determined this year. I have no idea what I will be writing yet, and plan to keep it that way. I do think I may end up writing something Dystopian or maybe a political satire. When I sit down at my laptop on Friday, I want to start whatever comes to me. I'm toying with the idea of a screenplay, or something different than what I usually do. Whatever it is I am beyond excited for it, and I plan on sharing bits and pieces right here.

Who knows.

I could be writing the next Hunger Games.

Not One of Those Days

Everyone around me has begun writing. My very best friend is a playwright/screenwriter, my boyfriend is a novelist. I naturally surround myself with incredibly creative people, and most days i love it. Today is not one of those days.

I've whined (read: bitched) about that a lot on this blog, other forms of social media, and out loud, but I just can't seem to get over this pity party. So I see things like the above quote and I think "I'll write on my blog about that!" And here I am, having a pity party again.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love them o so dearly. I love their creative spark, I love their drive, I love their passion. I just hate being the one in the bunch who never does any writing, who doesn't even try!!! NANOWRIMO comes up in just two short weeks and I know I'll be going through a period of guilt all month for not doing it. Again. Same as I haven't for the last 6 years. But I want to. I really do. That want just isn't enough for it to happen I guess.

Leftie Trapped Inside A Righties Body

I have been sitting on this blog post for awhile now. I had the words and the title. I just don't think i wanted to commit it to words, and thus eternity.

Has anyone outside of Northern Colorado heard that Jimmy Johns commercial, with the fast talking guy and the crying baby? At the end he talks about the man being a left handed man, stuck in a right handed mans body, so he always picks the sandwich up with the left hand. I have been wondering a lot lately about this phenomenon. The idea of something in our soul, spirit, or heart being completely counter-intuitive to what we are in the physical realm.

I grew up in a family gifted in the arts. My mother is a fantastic write and singer. My brothers Greg is an artist, one of the best I have ever seen. My brother Justin is a beautiful musician. Justin has scientific talents as well, but somehow he portrays them in this thought-provoking artistic way. If you ever see him put together a computer you will understand.

I, growing up in this family, am not artistic. I can't speak a foreign language (an art in and of itself). I can't draw. I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. I have fancied myself a writer my entire life. I thought it was my one artistic talent. I call myself a writer, I introduce myself as a writer, I aspire to be a writer. But at the end of the day. I'm not.

I have thousands of sentences in various notebooks, electronic notepads, and sitting in my brain, that I promise I will turn into a book someday. But I never do. In fact, I know I'll never do it. But I'm a writer! That's what we do. We turn ideas into books, articles, short stories, poems. I don't.

I have a love for theater, photography, art, music, etc. I love it all. I love the arts. I'm passionate about them. I always promise I'll get involved in theater again. After all, my brief stint in theater means I'm an actress at heart. When I see photojournalism spreads I yearn to also be a photojournalist. Just like I take philosophy, geology, music, etc classes and think I'm going to be the next big philospher or geologist. I appreciate it all so very much, I mistake it for fate.

I have been thinking more and more lately that I was never meant to be a writer, or any other type of artist.

I like math. I like science. I like knowing how things work. I like the order and organization that comes with all of it. I like knowing that 2+2 always equals four. In fact I love that about the sciences.

I'm a scientific person trapped inside an artists body. And that scares the every loving hell out of me. After 23 years of pursuing this dream of art, I'm now afraid I'll never follow through, not because I lack inspiration, but because I lack the actual skills to do so.

Where do I go from here? I'm not sure. People are telling me to just pick a different masters program and go into the sciences, but just when I start to consider it, I hear beautiful music, or I read words that change me, and I can't, I just can't let go of this goal to be an artist.

What To Do About This Whole Blogging Thing

I admit it. I'm a failure as a blogger. I keep ideas on my tablet, I think about making outfit posts, and I follow all my favorite blogs religiously.

But when it actually comes to making the posts I fail. Yea, I have a lot of excuses. I'm taking 18 credits of HARD classes this semester. I'm working nearly full time as well. And of course I have to sleep and eat. (though I find myself forgetting to do both of those a lot).

I don't have an excuse though. Blogging is something I love. As is fashion, politics and all the other things that I plan to blog about. So yea. I could blame it all on being busy, but the truth of that is that I need to take some me time for the things that I love. I get in trouble with le Fella all the time for not taking enough me time and focusing all my energy on work and school. So, perhaps I'll just be a MWF blogger, or a TTH blogger. You know, because I stay on campus all day in the library in front of the computers. So it can't be that hard to study for 30 minutes less and blog for 30 minutes more.

I guess this is my attempt. I just got out of a presentation in my Electoral Politics class which is taught by the chair of my department. Insert major nerves there. But I think I rocked it. My speech skills were right on par, I had good information and I looked absolutely smashing. Of course, I'm in the library so I can't take a full length photo, but I promise the look is absolutely smashing! Two more classes today and then I'm having a much needed date night with Fella.

We Shouldn't Give The Words More GroupLove Than Necessary

I started this blog because I thought if I blogged things I really cared about, I would be more likely to write. Well, I thought I really cared about my walk with Christ, my depression and my fashion. Well, if the brevity and general absence of my posts says anything, then I guess I don't care about those things.

But I do. I guess I have finally learned that just because I don't write every day, that doesn't mean I'm not a writer. The fact that I see the world in words and not pictures. Because I do. I see everything not by a brush stroke but a collection of letters so intent on having a meaning that they do not consider their own individuality.

This is why I am a writer. And that is why I am finally okay with leaving this post with no more words than this.

Closet Essentials and Mad Men Dreams

Hello all!

I'm so sorry for my absence as of late. It's been a rather busy week between the two jobs and getting my fall schedule aligned between the two and school as well!

Anyways, I found this on pinterest today and I think it is a spectacular list to use as a jumping off point. Any other additions can be bits and pieces that describe your personality. I printed it out and broke it all down into items that I already have, items I need, and items I both want and need! Surprisingly, I already have over half of the items. The only ones I need are small statement pieces. I'm pretty proud of how much I have improved my closet over the past year.

Anyways, I'm at work watching Mad Men  and dreaming of the days where a trip to the grocery store warranted heels and a hat. You know, every time I fly I think of the days when stewardesses were the classiest working gals around and a trip meant you dressed up out of respect. During my college experience I have tried to pull a little inspiration from that into my wardrobe and I think I'm starting to be fairly well known as the "girl who dresses for success". You wouldn't believe how many professors automatically respect me just because I walk into class in a pencil skirt, blouse and heels.

That said, I'm finding myself inspired to cut my hair into a bob and buy some white gloves. Would that be terribly out of place or what?

-Emily Jo

Tuesday Threads

I'm working the late shift tonight, meaning I need some extreme comfort. However, I still work with all the higher ups for a few hours so I had to look a *little* bit more professional than my idea of real comfort. So here's my "working late, but still trying to look decent" look for Tuesday!

Not bad, but I wish I had taken a little bit more care.My favorite thing about these jeans is that they are so easy to dress up or down. Plus they're extremely comfy. Slap some heels on and it's a win-win!

Funeral OOTD

I received rather mixed reviews when I researched if it was okay to wear white to a funeral. Some said black or grey, some said jewel tones, some said wear whatever you want.

Not exactly the precise answer I was looking for. As I stood in front of my closet this morning, running late, of course, I found myself still drawn to wearing this dress. I feel like it is the perfect combination of class and modern thought. I guess that's what I would want to exude at a funeral, rather than sorrow.

Well. I guess I'll see. The funeral is for a dear friends mother. She was quite the lady and I'm honored to be able to celebrate her life today.

Friday Finds

• My Monday mornings are going to be much happier from now on....

• A coworker showed me this today. Basically it's how they used to teach ambassador's foreign langauges. Since I've been on such a kick lately about reading Philosophy in the original Greek/Latin/German/French/etc this totally made my day! Even better, the text comes in a PDF file so I can put it on my kindle!
• I saw this on Pinterest earlier in the week and it spoke to me on so many levels. Not just my own training in Muay Thai, but also my work life, my home life, and especially my writing life. 
  
• Belle of Capitol Hill Style shared this website on her blog today and I immediately snatched it right up. I love it not only for all the wedding stuff, but the graphic design on the website is absolutely amazing. 
  
  
  
  What gems have you all found this week? It's been a really inspirational week for me between fashion, writing and job opportunities I can't complain!
  
  
  
  

Friday Shoutout!

I really must just spread my love of all things One Note.

When I was a Freshman in college one of my room mates told me she used it for recipes. And I thought why not just use Word? But then I started and now I just can't stop! It is just the sort of organized chaos I need in my life right now. Not only is it amazing because it has different sections for all the things I love taking notes about (work, fashion, writing, etc) but it has sections within sections!

I have a great chunk of it devoted to my writing (ideas, prompts, philosophy, dystopian societies, etc) but also a great little chunk on fashion. I love taking screen clippings from my favorite blogs and adding them to my work looks section or from Pinterest for my "going out" section. Not to mention the screen clippings of Hair ideas from everywhere!

One Note has made a huge difference for this chaotic country girl. The organization is just what I needed to become the classy lady I always dreamed of being. Now if I can just remember to wash the grease off my arms before I go to work...but that's a story for another day!



These opinions are my own and I did not receive any compensation from Microsoft or any subsidiary of Microsoft.

Throwback Thursday: When I Worked In The Legislature

Many moons ago I worked in the Montana State Legislature as a secretary. Boy the stories I have to tell you about what happens behind the scenes and in the cubicles...

The intrigue, the nights at the pub getting hit on my drunk Senators, the experience!

I had such an amazing time there and would do anything to go back. It was quite the moment in my life. In fact I found my old name tag the other day. I was so proud of myself for working there as a barely 18 year old kid. One day I'll be back. Hopefully with "Court Reporter" on my name tag instead of Secretary!

Freelance Writing....For Real This TIme

Today I went into a meeting at City Hall. (dun-dun-dun!) No I'm not in trouble (shocking, yes?). About a month ago I went to a Greeley Young Professionals Meeting in which the City of Greeley unveiled their newest ad campaign entitled "Greeley Unexpected".

I won't lie. I was incredibly impressed by it. It was exactly what Greeley needed. Not an image revamp, but a closer look at what makes Greeley what it is and why we as patrons and citizens of the city should invest ourselves more into it. Afterwards I talked to the woman who presented and told her just that. Somehow we ended up talking shop and there I was sitting in her office today, nervous as heck, sweaty from the drive without A.C. in Brutto and of course exhausted.

And she asked me the most beautiful question a writer could ever hope to hear "Would you be willing to do some writing for our blog?"

YES. YES. YES. OF COURSE. YES.

She asked me a few more questions concerning my schedule and what sort of experience I have. Namely, am I comfortable in front of a camera? From my days in the legislature (both working and testifiying) and as an intern for the Montana Cowboy Poetry Festival doing t.v. commercials and radio interviews you could say I am.

I've been in a slump lately. I won't lie. I don't like my jobs (100% because they don't do anything to further my career) and I'm burned out. Yet today, all those seemingly small things I did in the past prepared me for today, getting one of my first freelance projects. Hearing words like reference letters and portfolios? I'm a big kid! And maybe, all those days I've spent working for Housing and IT will prepare me again in the future.

All of this to say I need to warm up my blogging fingers because it has really been awhile since I devoted any sort of time to the blog realm of writing. I've had a pretty serious itch lately to start fashion blogging. I check my blog lovin' feed on the daily, and I know I dress well enough. The main thing getting in my way?

A camera! With just a phone camera and a mirror that shows my rat cage and generally my dog chewing a bone behind me it doesn't really capture the image I'm looking for. So that's something I'm working on figuring out. Dadblammit if I'm going to waste my life at dead end jobs I may as well get some time in researching while I'm at it!

Perpetually Conceiving, Never Producing

I'm finding it so hard to write lately unless I'm under the influence of some intoxicant, be it love, booze or extreme emotion. I've been complimented so much lately for my writing and have indeed been labeled as a writer by some. I guess it's that classic question of identity. Are you deserving of a title if you don't do whatever it is that produces that title within you?

Oftentimes I merely write in my head in the wee hours of the morning or as I walk to class and that's the farthest it has ever gone. Indeed, I carry a thousand unfinished stories within me. These stories weigh me down and often make me feel like I cannot proclaim to be a writer, merely a thinker.

Perhaps that is all that I am, a thinker and a feeler. There's no job title there. A dear friend called me a Literary Philosopher the other day and maybe that is the distinction I should profess, the title at the helm of my resume. 

I don't know, I know that this post has taken me 20 minutes to write. The words don't come as easily as the ideas do and I know there is a secret hidden in that statement. A secret I crave to unlock so as to release the burden of a thousand characters waiting for their happy ending when I can only conceive of their beginning. 

I was once told that I carry the mantle of Guinevere with me from her life to mine. It may be true. Is there any other woman in history who perpetually conceived and did not produce? 

Well, there is Anne Boleyn, but let's not get into men cutting off their wifes head to punish her lack of production. 

Let Us Love

Here I was, happily scrolling through twitter looking for news of interest. I.E. All things Israel and find news of another shooting. What in the sam hell world? I saw this on facebook the other day and think it is necessary to share (or just to ramble on about) 

I can't help but absolutely 100% agree. Growing up in Montana we all had guns, all the time and we never shot anyone. We never even thought of it. We shot tin cans and hunted in the fall. Even though I am a Republican (my own sort of Republican) and I am against Gun Control for me it isn't about rights or all the Republican mantra's that you hear. Yes, guns are a method for mass killings, but so are a million other things. If we as a nation want to "fix" this problem of shootings we need to get to the root of the problem, which is when someone who is so upset, deranged, psychotic, etc uses something as a weapon to wreak havoc on other peoples lives. It's not about the weapon you guys! It's about the person! 

Perhaps if we paid more attention to individual people instead of some inanimate object there would be less shootings. Perhaps not. I'm not the judge. I can't help but think of something I saw last summer about a boy who shot his mom and sister because he felt like he was invisible and they didn't listen to him. I heard the 911 call and the boy slowly realized what he had done, that the method he took to solve the problem had extreme consequences that he could never change. He legitimately didn't realize what had happened until hours after the fact.

After I sat there crying for a little bit I thought about the things that people do that make me angry. I realized it was all so inconsequential after the fact. But in that moment I was angry, I was upset. Yes, in the past I haven't valued my life, not even a bit, but now, now I do. 

It's a long and hard lesson to learn. But friends, let's just love each other a little more. Let's use love and compassion to show each other how much we value our lives and the lives of others. Let's help each other. Let's treat the cause, not the symptom. Let's recognize mental illness and despair.

Let's love. 

By My Side

Sometimes I lay awake at night dreaming about the future, specifically my future with fella. There is usually a couple towheaded kids involved,  road trips home to Montana, songs and lots of love.  To be honest it really does scare me , knowing I can have such strong feelings for a man and thinking we are capable of bringing a life into this world. But some nights,  like tonight, I get excited for all we have the chance to attain and I can't imagine having anyone by my side than him.

I'll Just Keep Dancing

Let's blame it on me drinking coffee today for the first time since Finals or the gorgeous day outside, but I'm in a positively glowing mood. When I wake up in one of these moods it's hard for me to imagine life being anything other than perfect. 

Carl stayed out all night with friends, I didn't care! I woke up when my alarm went off, still tired, but I didn't care! My planned outfit is a bit too warm for such a nice day and I have a stain on the sleeve, I didn't care! In a couple hours I have a three hour class and then a staff meeting, I don't care! 

Cares are a funny thing. Some days I am overrun by them. They are all I can notice, the dishes not done, the carpet not vacuumed. The insane amount of reading I have assigned, the ridiculous debt I have accumulated.  

And then some days like today I just don't notice anything. It is a day when I am so overwhelmingly happy to be alive that I jam to Airborne in my office, dancing for all my residents to see. I'd love to know the secret of them so that I can make these days happen more often, but until then I'll just keep dancing. 

Do I really have any other option? If Shopenhauer heard me saying this he would smite me for my poor style and even worse philosophy but today I just don't care.

A Book A Day

I recently came across something totally awesome on Pinterest and that is the:

Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge

Being a Political Science major I typically find myself surrounded in books 24/7 and rarely have the time or energy to read anything other than the philosophy of an ancient and quite dead Roman poets. I'm hoping maybe with this challenge I can find a way to find that balance between reading for fun and school.

But let's face it, I absolutely love reading all my philosophy books. It's kinda silly actually.

Anyways, I'm challenging myself to read at least one book a month off this list. That's doable considering I used to read a book a day in high school! I have read some of these books but I think I'll just start over. I think I'll just start right at the top with 1984 and just see where it takes me!

Readers, how do you get yourself out of a rut in your hobbies?

A Favorite Sort

Phewwww. What a first week of class it has been. Here are my random thoughts and summaries of the week, because that is pretty much all my tiny little brain can take right now. 

• I seriously love my Political Philosophy professor. If I do go down the PhD route, it will all be inspired by him. He's an amazing guy and I'm thinking about asking him if I could be his TA.
• Lawyers scare me to death. And my Constitutional Law professor, who just so happens to be a lawyer is no exception. Every time I am in his class I feel like I am Bates on Trial except with heckling fellow Poli Sci majors as my jury. (Downton Abbey anyone? anyone?)
• Kickboxing tonight was amazing. It hurt like hell, and I wanted to quit so, so badly, but the accomplishment I felt when I was done made it so worth it. That's what exercise should do right?
• Textbook buying/selling is literally highway robbery and it puts me in such a terrible mood.
• I'm lucky to have an amazing friend like Emilie to go to kickboxing with me, complain about HRE with and of course to let me have her old textbooks. Thanks Em you rock! (Also. Check out her blog at whatahappybitch.blogspot.com you'll love it I promise!)
• Last but not least, the busier I get, the more thankful I am for Percy, Roz and Fella. I couldn't possibly have three better guys in my life. And if you think I'm talking about three human men, you need to read more of my blog!)

It's been a busy week, but a good one. And those are my favorite sort of weeks.

This Year I Resolve To....

As goes the world I have never been able to keep a New Years Resolution, so I think I stopped doing them in o...2005? Back then it was all "Be the Change you want to see in the world!" "Get Ghost to the Olympics" Not exactly plausible. This year for the first time I made some resolutions and have been keeping up on them the best I can. I tried to not concentrate on things that are criticizing myself, but are instead giving me positive ways to live a life I know will make me happier.

So without any further ado, welcome to my 2013 Resolutions

Emotional

• Write everyday for five minutes a day (at least) increasing by five minutes every month. If I go over time, that is fine, but don't force myself to write more than the allotted time. 3 days of prose, 2 days of poetry and 2 days of blogging. 

Physical

• Workout! Buy a Fit Pass ($40 for the entire semester, any classes I want to go to). Go to Yoga, Kickboxing and Aquafit. At least 3 classes per week. 
• Riding 3+ times a week, keep using my clients horses as experience and ways to help Percy learn and branch out more. Plan on a dressage test in the fall (even if it's Carl judging me!)

Work

• Be more positive about your job, look at it as an opportunity to network and always be thinking about those Grad School Recommendation Letters I need! 
• Plan one program a month for my residents. 
• Plan Bulletin Boards a week in advance.

Spiritual

• Continue going to Counseling. Have an open mind to the benefits even if I don't see them happening d immedietely.
• Be open to where God is leading my heart this year.

Overall

• WORK LIFE BALANCE. JUST DO IT. This one is honestly the hardest for me. I'm not good at it and I don't know how to be. Talk with Deanne about it and finds ways to be successful in both without so much emphasis on one or the other.

There ya have it folks. I'm excited to see what new changes 2013 brings on. Next up (sometime today since it is one of my blogging days) I'll be posting about Counseling, 2012 in Review and other goodies!

The Truth Will Set You Free

I may be a writer but the hardest thing for me has always been starting out. I firmly believe that the first few lines set the tone for an entire work, be it a short story, novel or scholarly paper. That said, I procrastinate writing a lot, even when it is something I want to write about. Like this blog post. You see I went to my first counseling session the other day since I was in forced therapy as a kid. 

Yep, you got me, forced. To this day I'm not really sure why it was so important that I went as often as I had to. It may have been because of my B.D., or for my ADHD and Anxiety, I'm not sure. I just remember dreading those visits when I had to go into that cold office with the fat Navy Shrink who always called me a Peach and sitting on his fake leather couch. I was always asked how I felt and I never knew what to say. I was a five year old who wished there was more sunlight in the day so I didn't have to come in when the streetlight came on. 

Anyways, I was in weekly therapy until I was ten years old and I hated every minute of it. I've known for awhile I should attend therapy of some sort if not just to hear someone with an education tell me to relax. I plan most of my encounters with people ahead of time. Yes, I lay in bed at night and think of conversation topics and how to answer questions. I can't help it, I've done it since I was a kid. If truth were to be told, I honestly think I am partly OCD. So in preparation for my counseling session I laid awake most of the night trying to decide where it all started. When my alcoholism got worse? When Jeremy died? When my best friend lashed out at me? When my mom got remarried? When my parents divorced? When B.D. was abusive? I honestly couldn't decide where to start. But this session was very important to me and I wanted to make the most of it. 

You see, I finally got Fella to agree to come with me, not just for my sake, or our relationships sake but his as well. I just had to make sure we got as much out of this session as we could. I won't delve into details, but we both come from similar pasts, similar struggles and similar presents.

We started out the session with prayer and I was glad for it. This immedietely showed me how much I have grown and healed over the past year. I used to be so adverse to prayer in instances like this. After being bullied into prayer all my life I wanted it to be private and unfortunately sporadic at best.

Our wonderful counselor Cyndi asked me right off the bat what keeps me up at night. I guess she knew that I'm an insomnia who has anxiety attacks at night. Or maybe it was a lucky guess. I began slowly devolving how I struggle to feel like I do enough every day or ever. I was admittedly a little annoyed when she related this back to God with the question of "How do you think God feels about this?" But, when she prodded a little bit more about my answer and I honestly said "I feel like He is disappointed because he has a plan for my life and I'm not getting there soon enough", I realized it is truly how I feel.

And let me tell you dear readers, the truth will set you free.

From there we chatted a little more and it was truly enlightening. I may not have been completely honest, only because I didn't know the truth myself, but as the session went on the truth was revealed to me. We finished by her asking me for three words that describe my childhood. The words I used were rough, forgotten and abusive. They were hard to admit, even though I freely talk about my childhood. I suppose when it is described with one word versus a lofty paragraph or two that ends with me where I am now it is much more apparent.

The session ended with Carl talking with her as well as a great devotional exercise I will share later this week. She referred me to a Christian Counselor outside of the church. Even better the church pays for the first six sessions. I honestly feel like I will need more than six, but hopefully by then I'll be in a good financial state and able to pay for more.

All in all it was such a better experience. No fat Navy doctors, no cold offices, no fake leather couches. Just a smiling (and at times crying) woman, a warm room that was brightly lit and a super comfy love seat.

O and of course Fella's and my feels all over the place as Cyndi
described things. But that is for another post as well :)