A Boulder and a Diamond.

I'm having a bit of a down day. I got some news about my Biological Dad (called B.D. from now on) that just stressed me out to the max. It bled into today pretty well. Combine that with my money stress and I just kinda want to crawl into a hole. At the same time I've had a really relaxing winter break thus far (thus no posting) so I'm also in a good mood. I have a lot I want to accomplish in the coming months, but with no way to go about it, I'm left between a Boulder and Diamond. (rock and a hard place. Get it?) 

Dealing with my depression in the past year has been a really good thing, obviously. But it has also opened my eyes to a lot of poor decisions I made in the past few years. I'm now forced to deal with the consequences of those actions, while also trying to improve myself. 

For example, I spent A LOT of money when I was in my downward spiral. I maxed out three credit cards while not working. I really didn't care at the time. I figured I would find a way out, like I always do (sometimes I have far too much faith in myself) so I might as well have a good time while I could. Well, all the booze, video games, clothes, etc didn't make me happy. Not even a little bit. Now, when I need to pay for things like food, gas and rent between paychecks (which are extremely meager. Think less than $150 meager) I have no way to do that. 

Combine that with the fact that I would love to really make my house a home, dress in a way that makes me feel confident and professional (opposed to my normal grunge style of ripped jeans and band shirts), and be able to make food that is healthy; I have no method of doing so. I'm surviving on one meal a day, normally a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I only drive when I have to go to the barn to ride the colts I have in training (just so I can keep Percy here with me). 

I'm making my life work, and I'm grateful for it, but I find myself ridden by guilt for the actions that put me in the very difficult position I am in now.

I know that Christmas is about Christ, and I am so thankful for how he has helped me improve my life, but I would really love to have a traditional Christmas with lots of good food, family and small heartfelt gifts. That isn't happening this year and I can't help but blame myself. 

How Far the East is From the West

I was raised in a Christian home, and by Christian I mean...Church every Sunday, prayers at meals, worship music blaring in the house. Heck, when I was in high school I was part of four youth groups at one time. 

Yep, you heard me, four! Christianity is one aspect of myself I have never doubted, if I was anything at all, I was a Christian. Yet, life gets hard. It really does. I'm struggling to find a way to say this that doesn't make me sound like just "anyone" else. I guess there really isn't any way to say it but what it is. 

I got pretty disenchanted with God. And I think I had pretty good reasons for it. But that's neither here nor there. A year ago I began dating a wonderful man, truly wonderful. He like me had had a lot of heartache thrown my way, but he had something I didn't have. 

He was still enchanted with God, in a way I don't think I ever had been. Well, now I know I never was enchanted the way he was. I had memorized hundreds of verses, attended countless conferences and read all the books out there, but it was something I did because I knew it was the right thing, and honestly, I didn't really want to  do the right thing. 

It's not that I wanted to do the wrong thing, it's just that I was tired of forcing myself to do the right thing. Couldn't something just come easy for once?

We're still dating that wonderful man and me. And I'm taking a course in Political Philosophy this year. A lot of it has been really interesting (no really!) but Augustine's Political Writings has really hit me in the gut. It has made me question a lot of what I really believe. It's not that I don't think it's true, but that it's hard for me to square it enough in my mind to argue it well. Too much Socrates will do that to you.

Over a week ago my Fella and I went to a conference down in Denver. My parents had tried to come down, but were snowed in. We went in their place and had an amazing time. It was the first time I had been excited to go to church in well, longer than I can remember. And God really didn't let me down.

Without getting into too much "Christianese" I was healed of a lot of the bitterness I held toward the church in my heart. And suddenly I found myself completely enchanted with Christ! Maybe even for the first time in my life. I've been reading my Bible, listening to worship music and talking to God. A lot.

It all sounds wonderful, but I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I go to my Political Philosophy class and I find myself at odds with Augustine and what I feel God has been telling me. It's not that I think anyone is wrong, I just still can't quite square it.

A few weeks ago I read "The Unlikely Disciple" for another class and it discussed a professor who was well known in the Evolutionary Science world for his findings. Yet, this was a man who in his personal walk with God was a Creationist through and through! I hesitate to call him a hypocrite, but I don't understand how to have two such opposing views.

Now, I find myself as a Political Philosopher in much the same position as him. The Bible tells us that God is just. The world tells us that a God who lets bad things happen to good people isn't just. What is justice? Really, in your heart of hearts what do you think justice is? These are the questions that plague all of my waking moments. 

The verse that has really helped me through this process of faith is Romans 14:1 "Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable manners." At the end of the day I know  that God is real and that I have faith in him for a reason. This faith I speak of is a wide and deep faith. I shouldn't waste my time on figuring out the truth to all of these disputable manners. There's more to it than that. He means more than a philosophical argument. 

He really does.